Life, Death and the Pursuit of Happiness

At the end of May, I had no idea that the next month would mark the largest roller coaster of my life.  I received a phone call telling me that my mother was sick.  Tests would be done, and results were being waited on. The next week we found out she had Lung Cancer. I called to talk to her because it had been a couple weeks since we talked.  In fact, I think Mothers Day was the last time I had talked to her.  All the kids wanted to talk to her and they chatted and laughed, each of them told them they loved her.  At the end of the conversation she was winded and had to go put her oxygen on.  This was the last conversation I had with my mom.

A week later, My dad called and let me know she was being taken to the local hospital.  She needed more care than she could get at home.  After a few days at that hospital, it became evident that she was very, very sick.  She was resisting all the doctors in Tullahoma and many other things began spiraling downward.  She was taken by helicopter to a hospital in Nashville and my dad wanted me to come home.  On June 12th, I flew back to Tennessee to be with my dad, sister, and brother as we sat with  my mom at the hospital.

It was so hard to see her all strapped to the bed with tubes and IV's stuck all in her and her being so sedated that she would only rouse every once in a while.  We kept vigil by her side, taking shifts, waiting for more news from the many doctors hoping she would pull through this.  There was one glimmer of hope. On June 13 th, the doctors wanted to attempt to take her off the ventilator to see if she could handle it.  The sedation was cranked down and within minutes, my mom was there.  Only my brother and I were there when they did this, and I am ever so thankful that this day I was there.  She smiled, squeezed my hand, and laughed at a joke my brother and I shared (although she couldn't laugh, her eyes were smiling).  It was truly a gift that I was there for this event.  After 20 minutes, she had a coughing fit and then a panic attack.  I told her she was ok and she shook her head telling me that no, she was not ok.  The sedation was cranked back up and she was gone into that space between awareness and sleep.

The next few days brought nothing but bad news and then, the worst news.  On Friday the doctors revealed that the cancer had spread in her body.  She was too weak for treatment, cancer or other wise.  She was too weak to live off the ventilator.  On Monday, there would be a meeting and decisions would have to be made.  This was the most surreal moment of my life.  I was scheduled to go back to Idaho on Sunday.  I would miss the meeting.  I left the hospital on Saturday knowing it was going to be the last time I saw my mom alive.

I went home on Sunday and spent time with my kids.  Waiting for the call.  The decision was made, it was out of our hands now.  On June 19th, 2012 my mom passed away.  She fought til the end, but it was just too late.  She was just too sick.  Another plane ticket was bought and this time I had to go help plan a funeral.

I have been fighting with so many emotions through all of this.  I have been angry, sad, depressed.  All the normal emotions.  Even today I have a hard time believing that she is really gone.

The funeral was exceptional.  My brother, sister and I really pulled together to plan the best service for her.  She deserved the best.  The amount of people that showed up really symbolized how truly loved she was.

I am happy she is not suffering anymore.  I am happy that she didn't suffer for long.  I wish I could have seen her again the way she was, the way I remember her.  A year ago almost to the day she and my dad had come to Idaho to visit me and my family.  I am glad the kids were able to remember a happy time with them.  They have lots of great memories of the horses and visiting Tennessee and I hope this is they way they remember their gramma.

Now that I am home, and I am trying to regain some normalcy in my life, I have began to appreciate so many things.  I have an awesome family.  We really pulled together.   We shared stories and memories and laughs. I realize how lucky I am to have such a great brother and sister.  My dad is pretty amazing.  I can only imagine how hard it is to lose the person you spent nearly 43 years with.  Since the funeral, we have been keeping in touch a lot via text, and email.  It's something we should have been doing for ages but I am grateful that we are doing it now.

Iv'e begun thinking about my future and my life.  Life is really precious and we have no control over when it will be snatched away from us.  We need to cherish our loved ones, and keep family close.  I have a pretty awesome husband.  He held the fort down here with all 5 kids by himself while I was gone for almost 2 weeks.  It was tough I am sure, but he came out alive.  It was a wonderful sacrifice he made for me so I could be with my mom and family.

My heart is still very heavy, and I really miss my mom.  I used to call and chat with her when she was working just to see what was going on, just to chat.  I don't have that anymore.   I feel life is so unfair, she was far too young and far to wonderful to be taken so soon.  The world lost a great compassionate, caring woman that day.  I have a long road ahead of me and I don't suspect it will ever be easy, but I hope it allows me to appreciate my life a bit more.