Building Traditions

The semester has rolled to an end, the snow has fallen in the foothills, and the Holiday season is in its final stages.  I managed to pass chemistry with an A.  I really struggled in that class although my grade does not reflect it.  I feel like I really earned it through a lot of hard work, long night and even tears.

This is me and Brent's 13th Christmas together, and our 12th one as parents.  You would think that it's easy to build traditions from the start but it never really seemed to work out that way. For many, many years I felt like we didn't really have our own traditions and rituals that we could call our own.  This year it felt different.  I don't know if it's because I have been home practically the whole holiday season or if its because I lost my mom this year and it has seemed important to build these memories with my family so they will stay with them forever and hopefully pass them on to their own children.

Our Christmas Tree

Growing up, my family had a lot of traditions.  I have tried incorporating them into my own family and some just seemed to work their way in by accident.  Having parents from two totally different backgrounds has made it a little more interesting also.  Brent has his own memories from Christmas and I have mine.  When we were newlyweds, his Grandma Olive would send us packages of cookies.  Her family is of Norwegian descent so the treats she would send were traditional Scandinavian cookies.

I would be lying if I said I was the best baker in the house.  Brent has earned that title through and through.  I just consider myself his little helper.  We were able to get the recipes from his grandma and we bought some of the special tools needed to make some of the cookies and his dad had a few older ones that he sent to us to use as well.  About a week before Christmas we took all the stuff out, Brent made the dough, and then we all got busy making some cookies.

The BEST baker in the house

Taylor the apprentice

It was a lot of fun and the kids seemed to enjoy it.  It is nice being able to pass some of the family heritage down to the kids.  All we can do is expose them to it and hope they carry it on in their lives.  We made three different kind of Scandinavian cookies.  The first are a family favorite called Kringlers or Kringles.  There are many variations as we learned but in the end we went with his grandma's tried and true recipe.  Next we made Almond tartlets or Sandkakes.  I really liked these.  It's what they are making in the photos above.  The final kind we made were Rosettes.  These were fun to make.  They are similar to a funnel cake where you take batter and put it in hot oil until it fries and then you sprinkle powdered sugar on top but these cookies are in pretty shapes like roses and stars.  They weren't a favorite but were interesting  to make.

Rosettes

I am sure this will be a tradition that will be carried on for many years to come.  There are many other kinds of cookies that we didn't try yet but there is always next year.  Our next adventure will be making Lefse!

Kringlers, Sandkakes, Rosettes

Changes... and my first 40/40 triumph!

I am almost finished compiling my 40/40 list and only have to think of five more things to add to it.  I am proud to say however, that I have marked off the first item on the list!! After long discussions with my husband, many sleepless nights, and plenty of number crunching. I decided it was time to leave Wal-Mart.  I am still in a shock and it feels a little bit surreal since it has only been a week, but I am 100% certain it was the right thing to do.

I have been thinking about this for a long time, but it wasn't until my mom passed away that I realized how fragile life was and how important it is to spend time with those that are the most important to you.  It is unfortunate that it took a tragedy such as this to make me  realize how much I have been missing out on and  that this was not the sort of life I wanted to be living.

My Grandmother secured this job for me when I was 16 and in need of a driver's license.  Since I was not allowed to drive until I got a job, this was a good fit.  It was a family affair with my grandmother and aunt working in the same store.  I knew a lot of people there and my best friend Shelly worked with me as well.  I made relationships that have stuck with me throughout my life and I would be lying if I said there weren't some good times at store #667 in Tullahoma, TN.

Working for Wal-Mart provided quite a bit of flexibility as I moved to three different states and five separate stores, bore five children and returned to school.  I managed to work there for 18.5 years. Through the years, Wal-Mart's store policy has become stricter with scheduling and criteria for part-time vs. full time associates which affected things like insurance, vacation, and personal flexibility.

Ever since my first child was born 12 years ago, I have missed many of the extra-curricular activities they have participated in not to mention the things they were unable to do because of my work schedule.  This includes school activities, sports, theater productions, and community and family events.  At this point in time it means I would miss my daughters first year playing on the "A" team for middle school basketball.  This is something she is very excited about and devoted to and it would be terrible if I couldn't be there to support her.

Since I would leave for work as soon as my husband would get home, the kids were used to being in a single-parent environment most of the time and it has caused conflict with parenting styles and it was hard for us to collaborate on discipline and chores.  Together, my husband and I make a pretty good team, but it was hard to execute when we were rarely home at the same time.  That one hour before I would leave for work was extremely hectic and stressful for me, my husband and the kids.

On top of the emotional toll it took on my family life, I was physically beginning to feel the effects of working in that environment.  My body hurts in ways I don't understand. I have foot pain that is directly related to working on the concrete floors, and would suffer minor carpel tunnel from time to time.  At only 34 years old, I hobble around like someone much older despite being in better shape than I have been in during the last decade.

It was a hard decision to come to, and we weighed all the pros and cons but when it came down to it, this was the best decision for our family.  It was breaking my heart to miss so much and to see my kids grow up knowing I was missing so much of it.  Hopefully I am not too late and we can enjoy being a family and doing things together because that is what matters the most.  Even though this decision will provide us with many challenges, it will make life much more rewarding.

Life, Death and the Pursuit of Happiness

At the end of May, I had no idea that the next month would mark the largest roller coaster of my life.  I received a phone call telling me that my mother was sick.  Tests would be done, and results were being waited on. The next week we found out she had Lung Cancer. I called to talk to her because it had been a couple weeks since we talked.  In fact, I think Mothers Day was the last time I had talked to her.  All the kids wanted to talk to her and they chatted and laughed, each of them told them they loved her.  At the end of the conversation she was winded and had to go put her oxygen on.  This was the last conversation I had with my mom.

A week later, My dad called and let me know she was being taken to the local hospital.  She needed more care than she could get at home.  After a few days at that hospital, it became evident that she was very, very sick.  She was resisting all the doctors in Tullahoma and many other things began spiraling downward.  She was taken by helicopter to a hospital in Nashville and my dad wanted me to come home.  On June 12th, I flew back to Tennessee to be with my dad, sister, and brother as we sat with  my mom at the hospital.

It was so hard to see her all strapped to the bed with tubes and IV's stuck all in her and her being so sedated that she would only rouse every once in a while.  We kept vigil by her side, taking shifts, waiting for more news from the many doctors hoping she would pull through this.  There was one glimmer of hope. On June 13 th, the doctors wanted to attempt to take her off the ventilator to see if she could handle it.  The sedation was cranked down and within minutes, my mom was there.  Only my brother and I were there when they did this, and I am ever so thankful that this day I was there.  She smiled, squeezed my hand, and laughed at a joke my brother and I shared (although she couldn't laugh, her eyes were smiling).  It was truly a gift that I was there for this event.  After 20 minutes, she had a coughing fit and then a panic attack.  I told her she was ok and she shook her head telling me that no, she was not ok.  The sedation was cranked back up and she was gone into that space between awareness and sleep.

The next few days brought nothing but bad news and then, the worst news.  On Friday the doctors revealed that the cancer had spread in her body.  She was too weak for treatment, cancer or other wise.  She was too weak to live off the ventilator.  On Monday, there would be a meeting and decisions would have to be made.  This was the most surreal moment of my life.  I was scheduled to go back to Idaho on Sunday.  I would miss the meeting.  I left the hospital on Saturday knowing it was going to be the last time I saw my mom alive.

I went home on Sunday and spent time with my kids.  Waiting for the call.  The decision was made, it was out of our hands now.  On June 19th, 2012 my mom passed away.  She fought til the end, but it was just too late.  She was just too sick.  Another plane ticket was bought and this time I had to go help plan a funeral.

I have been fighting with so many emotions through all of this.  I have been angry, sad, depressed.  All the normal emotions.  Even today I have a hard time believing that she is really gone.

The funeral was exceptional.  My brother, sister and I really pulled together to plan the best service for her.  She deserved the best.  The amount of people that showed up really symbolized how truly loved she was.

I am happy she is not suffering anymore.  I am happy that she didn't suffer for long.  I wish I could have seen her again the way she was, the way I remember her.  A year ago almost to the day she and my dad had come to Idaho to visit me and my family.  I am glad the kids were able to remember a happy time with them.  They have lots of great memories of the horses and visiting Tennessee and I hope this is they way they remember their gramma.

Now that I am home, and I am trying to regain some normalcy in my life, I have began to appreciate so many things.  I have an awesome family.  We really pulled together.   We shared stories and memories and laughs. I realize how lucky I am to have such a great brother and sister.  My dad is pretty amazing.  I can only imagine how hard it is to lose the person you spent nearly 43 years with.  Since the funeral, we have been keeping in touch a lot via text, and email.  It's something we should have been doing for ages but I am grateful that we are doing it now.

Iv'e begun thinking about my future and my life.  Life is really precious and we have no control over when it will be snatched away from us.  We need to cherish our loved ones, and keep family close.  I have a pretty awesome husband.  He held the fort down here with all 5 kids by himself while I was gone for almost 2 weeks.  It was tough I am sure, but he came out alive.  It was a wonderful sacrifice he made for me so I could be with my mom and family.

My heart is still very heavy, and I really miss my mom.  I used to call and chat with her when she was working just to see what was going on, just to chat.  I don't have that anymore.   I feel life is so unfair, she was far too young and far to wonderful to be taken so soon.  The world lost a great compassionate, caring woman that day.  I have a long road ahead of me and I don't suspect it will ever be easy, but I hope it allows me to appreciate my life a bit more.

The Island of Misfits

I have been wanting to start a blog for some time and have been without inspiration. It's Christmas night, well technically it is the day after Christmas, and I have been sitting here watching Julie and Julia, when it occured to me what I could write about. Naturally, being a mother, my children would be the first thing I could write about. In some ways, they will be a part of this but for the most part, it will be me and my daily blunders and how I now accept the fact that I am a misfit in the world of being a housewife and all it entails.

It is only appropriate that at Christmas, like Rudolph and Hermie, I have cast myself to the island of misfits, accepting my lack of skill, organization, and know-how to being the perfect housewife. This is all quite interesting in the fact that I am not truly only a housewife. I share the duty with my wonderful husband who in many ways is better at it than I am. It is partly because of him that I decided to do this. I have been the brunt of his jokes and laughter due to my inexperience in the kitchen, and my mishaps through out our marriage. On top of being a housewife, I am a mother of 5, a retail slave, and a returning student. I am sure my attempt at juggling all these things is partly why I fail miserable at many of them.

As I was watching this charming wonderful movie, I thought about the days previous events. Organizing Christmas for a family of 7 is a feat in itself. Not once, but twice there were miswrapped presents, and people ending up with the wrong thing. I found it quite funny as my husband just rolled his eyes. Due to a massive sickenss at Thanksgiving, we totally skipped Thanksgiving dinner. Not wanting to disappoint the kids I threw together a "mock" Thanksgiving dinner with refrigerated turkey and gravy, instant potatos and corn. Only I can mess up not one.. but 2 batches of instant potatoes. It was a disaster. So to make up for it, I decided to make a great Christmas dinner. My mother-in-law gave us a Honeybaked Ham, I made fruit salad, homemade mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, homemade yeast rolls and deviled eggs. To illustrate my inexperience in the kitchen, I had my husband google "How to make yeast rise", "how to boil and egg" and recipes for the rolls and the sweet potato casserole. I have been making Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner for 10 years. Why do I still have to look this stuff up and why don't I have copies somewhere. Needless to say, dinner turned out delicious, even the rolls that before today always seemed to resemble hockey pucks.

This is just a small sampling of my adventures, and I usually have something daily but when I don't, I am sure I can pull something out of the archive in my head. I have plenty of material I believe. So you will be able to laugh and smile and read my mis-adventures of cooking, parenting, sewing, housekeeping, and sometimes for fun, I can throw in the other dumb things I do like dropping my Blackberry in a cup of hot coffee. I think the first step to recovery, is accepting that I am a misfit, but am learning to embrace it.