There comes a moment in time when one realizes who they really are in this journey of life. Before I turned 30, I often felt like I had been dealt a bad hand. I felt like choices I had made weren’t always the best, and that if I had made different ones maybe my life would be better than it turned out to be. I have wondered what it would have been like to plan out events like weddings and babies because it often felt like we just were flying by the seat of our pants all the time. I often regretted not finishing school earlier, or being stuck at a dead end job. I think everyone has thought about the “what if’s” and how life may have been different if an alternate path had been chosen.
Lately I have done a fair amount of soul searching. I believe it all began about the time I became pregnant with Spencer. At first I wanted to know why? The doubt of being able to care for another person settled in fast and emotions were high the whole pregnancy. The naturalist in me would say that with his natural, midwife assisted birth, I obtained empowerment that just grew long after they cut his cord. I was invigorated, and felt like I could conquer anything! This little boy was something special.
The year following his birth proved to be a time of growth for myself and us as a family. For some reason, something that could have proved detrimental to my family and my marriage turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. With Spencer’s birth, a sort of revival began in my heart and in our home. Now I don’t want to portray that everything was hunky-dory because we still have our share of problems. The other kids are changing right before our eyes, we still have family issues that are not unfamiliar. The biggest thing I see is how we have learned to handle the problems and life matters in a much more efficient way.
Today we celebrated Spencer’s first birthday. Unfortunately he has a little cold and is not feeling well. Before he went to bed, Brent brought the little guy down and I took him to the rocker and held on to him. As I was sitting here, I began to reflect on this short time we have been blessed with him and how lucky I am to have him and all the kids in my life. I have always related to the little ones more. Their innocence, and dependence on us for all their needs. Then I thought as I listened to him breathing on my chest and hear the hum of the fish tank, how they are all wonderful and despite how old they are, they still need me, and I will always need them. Being a mom is the best job in the world.
When I think about all the negative things in life, I now see all the positives as well. Sometimes it is hard to focus on just the good things but it is worth the energy to seek them out when it presented with life’s challenges. I am learning to hold the people close to me even closer and never lose sight of my dreams. A good friend of mine helped me to see that even if we lose sight of our dreams, that which we wish for is always obtainable if we only believe in ourselves.
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