Memories

Well, I needed a new look for my blog so I went out and searched. When I came across this one I knew I needed it for my own. Now, this particular background isn't the exact place I remember as a child but it brought those feelings back of my childhood, a childhood I remember fondly. The place I remember is on the Monterey Bay in California where I lived for a while in the early 1980's. My dad was in the Army and we lived in Ft. Ord, CA. For fun, we went to the beach, the forest, we camped a little, and we spent quite a bit of time together as a family. Some of my greatest memories were of living there. I remember my friends, our neighborhood, my babysitters, my school, my adventures (collecting critters was fun), vacations, holidays, the magnificent scenery. Outside of Idaho, The bay area in California was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I can still remember the smell of the ocean, the sound of the sea birds, and watching the otters at play. We fed ground squirrels, flew kites, and had picnics.


Just tonight I was talking with a friend about something that happened while we lived there. I was telling her of my friend and her brothers and how I used to go over there to watch the Mickey Mouse Club on the Disney channel because I didn’t get that channel at home and how they had a Pekingese dog and her mom had beads hanging from their doorway. This is just one example of how vivid my memory is of our stay in California. I'll never forget lizard hunting with my brother and being mad when he slammed its tail in the yellow Snoopy pencil box and watching it fall to the ground writhing. My friend Denny and I collected marbles and I buried mine in the woods in a coffee can so no one would take them. They are probably still there somewhere. The only time I was ever stung by a bee was at a company picnic where we were having a Pizza picnic and there were bees everywhere and I picked one up... it did not like that. We had a pet snake, bunny, tarantula, dogs, and cats. I always had spiders, or snails hidden somewhere. The snails liked the pointy ice plant. I have yet to see that plant again since we left.

I love this picture. It so looks like the famous Cypress tree that lies along the Carmel coast all alone. I sometimes feel like that tree, all alone, and yet strong enough to endure the ocean that stares back at me as if saying... "Ok, give me all you got, I can take it". Hearing the lowly foghorn as it roars across the coast- deafening. It makes me happy, makes me feel alive. I will always treasure all the time we spent there and hope my memories never fade.

Reality Checks

There comes a time in ones life when they realize that things are not as good as they appear and that we are not indestructible nor immune to mortality.  I have always seen myself as a picture of fair health.  Not perfect, and not in great shape, but I had great pregnancies with no complications, my blood pressure is within a good range, I have no allergies, never broken a major bone, or have been hospitalized for any reason other than childbirth. I’m not anything more than a social drinker, I have never smoked or done any sort of illegal drug.   All in all I felt I was safe and that the bad things won’t happen to me.

Last year during my physical when a lump was found in one of my breasts, I was very scared.  After tests and a couple follow up appointments, it seemed that all was ok.  I did not go to my last follow up appointment and let things go.  Then here I was, 9 months later and having some  pain that did not appear normal.  This time it was in my ovary area.  I was concerned enough to make an appointment and have things checked out.  This was yesterday.   It appears that I left with more questions than I went in with.

So now, there will be more tests, some ultrasounds, and a screening mammogram since breast cancer runs in the family, my lumps and possibly some new ones are enough to warrant a more thorough exam and I possibly have PCOS or poly cystic ovary syndrome.  While PCOS isn’t a life threatening disorder, it still was something I did not count on and now I have decisions to make regarding how to manage it.  I do not like taking medications and the reality that if I want to be more comfortable then I will have to take something.  The humor in all of this is that after having 5 not-so-planned pregnancies, and putting my wonderful husband through a vasectomy, I now will probably have to go on birth control pills.

I know that whatever else comes my way I will be able to deal with it.  Yesterday was a rough day emotionally and physically and well, it was just a rough day.  But today, today was good.  We had cereal for dinner, I was able to read my children a book before bed, and I sold our little freezer.  My head is a bit clearer, still full of questions, but I know things will be fine and I will persevere.  With support from my family and friends I will be just fine.

For those of you just learning of this.. mom, dad, Jen, don’t worry, we will get answers and you will all be the first to know.  I am still trying to sort it out in my head.

I don’t know how you do it.

I hear this phrase literally every single day.  And to be honest, there are many, many different answers.  Here are a few of my most popular ones:

• I don’t know either.
• You just do.
• I don’t have a choice.
• It isn’t that hard.
• and my favorite is just a shrug of the shoulders

In all reality, most of the time I feel like the correct answer would be “I don’t.”  I’m not saying that I don’t take care of the important things, but there are times when I feel like I don’t do what I should be doing.  Ignoring the obvious priorities, letting the TV become a “babysitter” because I am just too tired.  There are times I question my worthiness of being a parent, worrying that I have become selfish and let my own wants come before the needs of my children.    Then I realize that I am doing the best I can at this moment in time. 

I feel like I had a hard time adjusting to my fast-paced growing family.  It was like wham, wham , wham.. one kid after another and I just wasn’t keeping up.  Some days it was pure survival.  But we have made it so far.  We have conquered the terrible twos, 4 times in fact!  Successfully potty trained 4 as well.  Juggled work and school and kids and sports and afterschool activities.  Made it through 5 moves with a various number of children.  Bought a house, sold a house, cleaned up permanent marker off brand new carpet. Taught 3 of them to ride a  bike.  I've been embarrassed in stores, puked on, pooped, on, peed on. I’ve kissed boo-boos, cleaned scraped knees, held and rocked colicky babies.  Had many sleepless nights, and napped with tired toddlers.  When I think back to all of this, I realize that when presented with all these challenges and blessings.. you just go with the flow as they say. 

I think my biggest accomplishment from this so far is I have come out on top with my head still intact and screwed on straight.  I don’t need anxiety pills, or sleeping pills, no anti-depressants, no drugs (not counting caffeine).  For the most part I feel like I am fairly well-adjusted and all I can hope for is that someday, my kids will look back and not remember the times I told them to wait a minute, only for me to forget.  Or not hearing them talk to me when I am consumed on the computer or taking a test. I’m sure there will be a day that I may forget to pick someone up from school or practice.  I just hope they see that I did what I could and that it was enough.  That they too will come out as well adjusted adults.  I think this is what we all hope for and I feel like so far we are on the right track even with the imperfections.

Motivationally Speaking

I really don’t know what I am doing up still.  It is daylight saving time and here I am still awake.  I love staying up late at night, I do my best work at night, whether it be for school, cleaning house, thinking…I can only attribute it to the fact that it is the quietest part of the day.  No one saying “mom” every 2 seconds, no dog to let out, no bottoms to wipe, diapers to change, no dishes from lunch to put away, no meals to cook.. I think if the evenings could last forever I would take it.  Now I know that may sound selfish, but I do get overwhelmed with all the noise during the day at times.

I was digging through some old letters the other day and I came across a postcard from my mom’s friend Issy.  It had beautiful watercolor on it and it said “Take a Hike!”  This takes me back to the distant past where I dreamed of hiking the Appalachian Trail.  I read books, researched packs, and the whole mailing/drop off procedures for sending yourself care packages along the way.  Back then I was in fairly good shape.  Hiking seemed easy and it was something I longed to do.  Now here I find myself in the middle of some of the best hiking territory in the country and I have yet to do any substantial hiking.  I am a pretty busy person, but in all reality, I am in terrible shape.  This would be some of the things I have not discussed yet but as of late, my health and weight has really been something I am struggling with.  I do not blame it on having 5 kids.  Pregnancy was the best thing for my weight.  With three of them I actually lost weight during the pregnancy.  I would say I have become increasingly lazy.  Being tired a lot, I just haven't felt like going outside.

I started out 2010 saying this was going to be the year for me.  The year I did things for myself and got out into the world more.  We have been here 4 years and I am ready to explore!  My Naturalist class is going on a hike Tuesday and I am very excited.  I have begun utilizing my exercise videos and exercise machine more as well.  I am determined!  I have one other thing that has stepped up the motivation.  Idaho Fish and Game held an auction a few weeks ago.  I managed to “win” a trip to Northern Idaho to assist with the spawning process of the Chinook Salmon.  I have never been so excited!  There is a hook.  Part of the requisites were for the winner to be in good physical shape and able to handle these 20 pound fish.  Basically I have until August to get back in shape.  This opportunity is my motivation to get in shape.  Sure I want to feel good in general, and I want to look better than I do.  For some people, their motivation is a pair of skinny jeans, of some cute summer shorts.  For me.. I just wanna go sling some salmon around and not keel over in the process.

Baby Steps

I feel like I am making some progress, with both the external struggles I have already discussed and other internal struggles that have not been mentioned.  A while back I began "couponing".  Some of you might be familiar with this as it is a hot new trend.  Ever been at a supermarket and got in line behind a nice young mom and notice she has a three-ring binder with her along with a grocery cart filled with many items that all seem to be the same thing?  If not, and you ever come across this scenario, I will let you know you need to turn and run the other way.. fast.  If you do not heed my advice, you could be stuck in that line for a very long time.  I was this young mom for a short period of time, and while I am not disregarding this lifestyle totally, I am not embracing it as I once did, er... well... tried to do.  I will say it was saving me some money, and there were some GREAT deals, but as I have altered my way of thinking I am revisiting the whole idea behind it.

Today I was at Albertsons when I saw a phenomenal deal.  Yesterday at Bridgets after-basketball season party, some of the moms were discussing this awesome find.  Apparently, when paired with the right coupons and right doubler coupons, you could get Betty Crocker fruit snacks and fruit roll-ups for .30!  Even without the coupons, which I had none of since I have not been buying newspapers lately, they were still only $1 a box.  Now 4 months ago, I would have scoured for the coupons and headed down and stocked up on the sugary little morsels.  So today, as I was grabbing my green beans and a bag of potatoes to go with tonights baked fish dinner, I grabbed 4 boxes and put them in my cart.  The lines were loooong, and I hopped up to the self-checkout (you know since I'm such a pro-bagger), and started checking out.  Just as I finished scanning my items I came for, I thought and contemplated.. and then I left the boxes of high fructose corn syrup little globs at the store.

What was I thinking? Well here is what went through my mind.  The words of Michael Pollan were ringing through my ears.  As Americans, we are paying less and less for foods, but paying a high price later in life on medical care.  Yes I really did think this in my head.  But what I also thought was.. "Ok, these are a great deal!  Gavin looooves these things.. wait.. why do I need them, he eats them for a snack, but they don't fill him up, they are not good for his teeth or body, sure they are only a buck a piece.. but that is $4 I did not intend on spending when I came into the store today.. 4 dollars I can use for something else later", so I put them back and left the store. I think that even if I did have the right coupon combos, I still would have put them back.

I'm proud of myself.  I saved some money, I made a good choice, and we had a great dinner.  I ate green beans for the first time in my life.  I made fried potatoes and they turned out great! Mom if you are reading this, I believe that overcrowding WAS the problem.  And we had some delicious fish that my husband caught himself and it was good.  I still clip coupons and look for good deals on shampoo, toothpaste and other goods, but I have found that the majority of coupons and sales are on highly processed junk food. One would probably laugh if they could see my pantry today.  It does seem a little bare, but we always manage to find good things to eat.  As insignificant as this all seems.. its baby steps.  Its hard to leap in feet first, but with many tiny steps we can go a long way towards our goal.

Trial and Error

Well, we are going on month three of our trek towards living a little more green and altering the way we buy and eat our food.  Today, I will happily say the kids no longer run straight for the pantry at snack time.  Natalie's favorite snack is pears, or an apple with some peanut butter.  Gavin loves his grapes and bananas.  The girls take at least one piece of fruit with them to school, or else they have it when they come home.  I have yet to find a food Spencer will not eat.  The hardest thing to break so far has been the chips and crackers.  One step at a time I guess. 
When we found out our beef would not be ready until April, we bought a small sampling from the same farmer.  Earlier in the week I made some steaks.  What I didn't realize was the steaks were from a top round.. this is a particularily tougher piece of meat and I would have been better off cutting it up and adding it to the package of stew meat.  Oh well, the flavor was undeniably good even if it could have been a bit more tender.  I also burned the potatoes that I fried to go along with it.  Why oh why can't I make them the way mom does?  Last night, I made a barbeque beef brisket.  I trimmed the fat, seasoned it a little, put some sauce on it and put it in the crock pot.  To go along with it, we had baked potatoes, steamed carrots and some corn muffins.  All I can say was everyone wanted more and there wasn't enough to go around.  It was delicious.  For every not-so-good meal I seem to have a really good one not to far behind.  I suppose that isn't too terrible. 

I made a homemade pizza crust not too long ago and it turned out ok.  Gavin scarfed down three pieces but the crust was a little soft and bread like and, well, not very crusty.  This is one of the things that is going to take practice.  Breadmaking in general is not a very easy task.  There is much science behind it.

We have cut back on the amount of milk we drink since I started buying it at the co-op.  We literally cut our milk consumption in half and are being a lot less wasteful.  The milk there is from a local dairy with grass fed cattle.  The taste is soo much better than that bought in plastic jugs (these are in glass half gallon jars).  You really learn to appreciate what you are eating and how your food is processed before it gets to your home.  I am a little sad, Gavin is still sick so I will be missing my Master Naturalist class tomorrow.  We have a field trip to the wastwater treatment plant and I will need to stay home with Gavin.  This also means we will be out of milk for another day since I do the milk run on Tuesdays when I finish class since I am downtown as it is.  I will just have to make a trip there Wednesday as long as Gavin is feeling better.  I really hope he begins to feel better soon.